Monday, September 27, 2010

And Then There Were Two.

When I was young, my mother always told me there were two types of people in this world; The kind that get married and have families, and the kind that dont.... And I just needed to face the fact that we were the type that dont. She always told me to just play the field, and keep my options open, because in reality, no man was worth MORE time then you give yourself.

And for years I thought she was right. I was convinced that I was defective, and that no one could love me... because I could not possibly love them. I ran from commitment, and probably broke the hearts of some really amazing men.

That was all before him. The one that stole me. ALL of me. Made me fell like no one else. Made me believe in things I never felt possible. Gave me perfection in the form of imperfection. Made me think that fairytales didnt just happen to princesses in far off places... that I too could have my happily ever after. He made something I was terrified of, forever, seem so short. And for a while thats what it was. Happily. Ever. After.

I went to and seen places some could only dream of. He made me smile, sing in the shower, and dance around like a fool. I was no longer scared of commitment, and all my walls came tumbling around us. And none of it mattered anymore. As far as I was concerned... I could wake up every morning with bad news coming in... as long as he was beside me... holding me. Just... holding me.

But reality sinks in... and it IS what mom says.

I still dont know if its me... if Im defective... incapable of love... or if it just wasnt what God wanted. All I know, is I wake up alone. My prince rode off in the sunset... and I fell off the horse. No strength left to climb back up for one last ride. I sleep alone, I cry alone, I sing to the radio in the car... alone. Why? Because I couldnt let myself miss out. I HAD to see if it was possible. ...You know.... that love buisness. Could it really work? Was there really such thing. And Im here to tell you... there is. Oh there is. But its never the same for any person. One could love one and not have a mutual feeling. Both could love. Both could love, but one could love something or someone else more. Its all different. But non the less... still the same. It come in without warning, knocks you off your feet... tells you its ok, and you want to believe it... but NEVER know if you can. So you stay down, waiting. For anything really. Some sign. And then it comes. Good for some. Horrid for others. There is no in between.

Im not going to make this long. But Ill leave you with this. If I never follow the advice of my mother... Ill follow this... No matter how much you miss them................ never let them know.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I cant tell you what it really is.

Hello World! Im back! After months of being an outcast of my own thoughts, and the black sheep of my dreams, I have figured out reality isnt half bad. I am still not the most wonderful person to be around, by any means, but I am trying a new way of dealing with things.

You wouldnt believe the hell I have been through, but I really dont want to get into that right now. I just want to think happy thoughts, if there is such a thing.

I am back at the O'C! Wonderful tra-la-la days there, I tell you. People thinking of you as there slave instead of your server.... constant running, being burned by the bread oven, arguing with the cooks, and ONE dumb employee who will remain nameless at this time. AHHH wonderful.

I FINALLY got my car cleaned out today though. Its truley unreal, considering I had been trying to get it done since Monday... and it HAD to rain today. But, its done, none the less.

I have also come to the conclusion that the people Im living with are Angels. No.... I dont think you understand. Like... GODS ANGELS. They have taken me and my son in with no complaint and no question. They genuinly care about our well being, and want the best for us. I didnt know people like that still existed. I was SURE they were extinct. Dustin is in love with them too. He gets up every morning and says "Moornin" to MaMaw, waits till Renee gets home and hits her.... in a loving way mind you.... and sits with Phil everynight and watches T.V. with him. Its so adorable.

I finally got a camcorder. Its not the best, but it will do for now. I have already made a video, but I dont have a DVD R so I cant record it right now. Im in the process though.

So anyways. This was just a check up.. I still have a lot on my mind. But thats for another day. When the words will easily flow through me and onto the keyboard. Gnight for now my dears.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

New Life Part 5,852

Here I go again. Starting over....again. Praying this time will FINALLY be different.
I have a job interview on Friday, that I'm very excited about. Well... Im not excited about it being off HWY 280.... BUT I am excited about the job. Fresh start. I have got to get out of the place Im in now. Its a dead end, ran by a man who cant remember what his name is half the time, worked by people who try to act like there is nothing wrong... when clearly there is. I dont know whats going to happen to this company. It does hurt me to wonder, but Im not going to lose sleep over it. As a matter of a fact, Im going to gain sleep... because I wont have to get up at four every morning.

Im just trying to figure things out. I thought I knew what it took, but now Im not so sure. Thats how it goes though.... you think you know.... right up until it gets here. Then your completley lost, and wondering why you EVER thought it would be that easy. Well, Im here to tell you its not. It never will be, so do try to think it will.

Monday, January 18, 2010

H0lD M3 D0wN

So, my mind is racing. Now that I no longer have a radio in my car (because Jeffrey has long legs, but insists on putting them in the dash board, and his knees knocked everything out of whack) I tend to have a lot of time for thinking. And with that comes a lot of emotion.
First, Im pissed. Pissed that I cant have ONE special even without someone ruining it. By not showing, or showing up late, or showing up high, or drunk, or loud... or whatever. Point is... its awful. And the person that did it this time... well its the person who has wanted me to end things with Jeffrey since day one because of his drug habit. It was the most hypocritical thing I have ever witnessed. If I recall correctly there were many nights when you left your children alone. Many nights when you took them with you to get high. Lied about where you were and what you were doing at 12:00 am when your daughter called crying because she is home alone at age 12 and she is hearing funny noises. Yelled, and fought, and beat your kids... but what he does is worse. And you never did all that... or its justifiable anyways. You make me sick.
Second, Im hurt. I had a big weekend planned and the one person I needed there, to share it with and also, there support... left me for bigger and better things..... Hunting. If he only knew what it would have meant to me... that for just ONCE he would choose me first. But he doesn't. And I dont think he ever will.
Im just sick. Sick of feeling the way I do about life. I had an epiphany the other night and it felt good. I know all I need is me and my son. And I know it will be hard... but I dont HAVE to have anybody there with me. I can catch myself when I fall... and if I cant... God can. I want so much more out of life then what Ive ended up with right now.... and I plan on getting it. I dont want white picket fences or anything like that... I just want: A good relationship with God, a caring husband, a job I cant wait to go to in the mornings, my son to be happy, and to be in the country.
I can do it for myself, I know I can.
Dont get me wrong, I am still mad for the man I fell in love with. But I fear he isnt mad like I am. That maybe, he just loves me, and doesn't really crave me. I want someone with the same fire in there hearts for me as I have for them. I will always have a passion for him... but I havent seen him get a passion for me since he got home from Vegas.
So what do I do? Do I keep fighting and beg him to be something he may or may not want to be... or move on to find someone who is all I am looking for with out begging? Is my love for him worth the fight? Or am I the only one fighting?
I dont know. But I know Im tired of this life. So I gotta change it.

On a brighter note... Dustins party was a hit... Mickey Mouse Club House themed. He had a blast, and the people that came were absolutely amazing. I love them all.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Some day it will happen.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Beyond taking care of Dustin, and reading my new book, that's all I have time for. Nothing really special or unique. Just things. Maybe unimportant to most, but strangely the most important to me.
I may be dumb for loving him. I think I am smart for knowing love. Really knowing it. Not just thinking, or wondering, or guessing. Not just knowing it... feeling it. How many people on this earth have really ever known love? There is a fine line between lust and love... and that's why so many people seem to stumble in between them... like a drunk taking a sobriety test. You may try to convince everyone your sober, and hell, may believe it yourself at some point. But in the morning, you know you weren't. You like the feeling, but don't like the responsibility. Its a lot of work.
Ugh, anyways. I'm trapped. And its all thanks to him. He has an addiction that isn't me, and I have an addiction that happens to be him. So what do we do? Where do we go from here. I have a lot more to think about than him... but I cant. That's why he is my addiction. But I don't want to break this habit. Then again, if I never break him, how could I ever expect him to break his? It just doesn't make sense. I don't suppose it ever will. I never has before. I didn't know it was supposed to be this hard. I guess that's how you know though. How you really know.----You know? That your in love. Its one thing to kiss someone and feel tingly... or miss them... or see them and get butterflies. But it is another to have been to hell, to have seen the devil himself, and to still stand beside each other. Not because its routine, or your scared. Of course your scared. Your starring at the devil... no, its because you know you could never face anything ever again without this person beside you. To hold you, to have your back, and fight for you. Against all odds. A person you are willing to die for, even after you have faced the worst together. A person you are willing to forgive when you thought you never could.
Despite all he has done or all he will do. I still love him, and would still fight the devil for him. Whats wrong with me? Love. L-O-V-E. Stupid, indescribable, irresponsible, ridiculous, wonderful, not so perfect, but sweet love.