Monday, January 18, 2010

H0lD M3 D0wN

So, my mind is racing. Now that I no longer have a radio in my car (because Jeffrey has long legs, but insists on putting them in the dash board, and his knees knocked everything out of whack) I tend to have a lot of time for thinking. And with that comes a lot of emotion.
First, Im pissed. Pissed that I cant have ONE special even without someone ruining it. By not showing, or showing up late, or showing up high, or drunk, or loud... or whatever. Point is... its awful. And the person that did it this time... well its the person who has wanted me to end things with Jeffrey since day one because of his drug habit. It was the most hypocritical thing I have ever witnessed. If I recall correctly there were many nights when you left your children alone. Many nights when you took them with you to get high. Lied about where you were and what you were doing at 12:00 am when your daughter called crying because she is home alone at age 12 and she is hearing funny noises. Yelled, and fought, and beat your kids... but what he does is worse. And you never did all that... or its justifiable anyways. You make me sick.
Second, Im hurt. I had a big weekend planned and the one person I needed there, to share it with and also, there support... left me for bigger and better things..... Hunting. If he only knew what it would have meant to me... that for just ONCE he would choose me first. But he doesn't. And I dont think he ever will.
Im just sick. Sick of feeling the way I do about life. I had an epiphany the other night and it felt good. I know all I need is me and my son. And I know it will be hard... but I dont HAVE to have anybody there with me. I can catch myself when I fall... and if I cant... God can. I want so much more out of life then what Ive ended up with right now.... and I plan on getting it. I dont want white picket fences or anything like that... I just want: A good relationship with God, a caring husband, a job I cant wait to go to in the mornings, my son to be happy, and to be in the country.
I can do it for myself, I know I can.
Dont get me wrong, I am still mad for the man I fell in love with. But I fear he isnt mad like I am. That maybe, he just loves me, and doesn't really crave me. I want someone with the same fire in there hearts for me as I have for them. I will always have a passion for him... but I havent seen him get a passion for me since he got home from Vegas.
So what do I do? Do I keep fighting and beg him to be something he may or may not want to be... or move on to find someone who is all I am looking for with out begging? Is my love for him worth the fight? Or am I the only one fighting?
I dont know. But I know Im tired of this life. So I gotta change it.

On a brighter note... Dustins party was a hit... Mickey Mouse Club House themed. He had a blast, and the people that came were absolutely amazing. I love them all.

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