So, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Beyond taking care of Dustin, and reading my new book, that's all I have time for. Nothing really special or unique. Just things. Maybe unimportant to most, but strangely the most important to me.
I may be dumb for loving him. I think I am smart for knowing love. Really knowing it. Not just thinking, or wondering, or guessing. Not just knowing it... feeling it. How many people on this earth have really ever known love? There is a fine line between lust and love... and that's why so many people seem to stumble in between them... like a drunk taking a sobriety test. You may try to convince everyone your sober, and hell, may believe it yourself at some point. But in the morning, you know you weren't. You like the feeling, but don't like the responsibility. Its a lot of work.
Ugh, anyways. I'm trapped. And its all thanks to him. He has an addiction that isn't me, and I have an addiction that happens to be him. So what do we do? Where do we go from here. I have a lot more to think about than him... but I cant. That's why he is my addiction. But I don't want to break this habit. Then again, if I never break him, how could I ever expect him to break his? It just doesn't make sense. I don't suppose it ever will. I never has before. I didn't know it was supposed to be this hard. I guess that's how you know though. How you really know.----You know? That your in love. Its one thing to kiss someone and feel tingly... or miss them... or see them and get butterflies. But it is another to have been to hell, to have seen the devil himself, and to still stand beside each other. Not because its routine, or your scared. Of course your scared. Your starring at the devil... no, its because you know you could never face anything ever again without this person beside you. To hold you, to have your back, and fight for you. Against all odds. A person you are willing to die for, even after you have faced the worst together. A person you are willing to forgive when you thought you never could.
Despite all he has done or all he will do. I still love him, and would still fight the devil for him. Whats wrong with me? Love. L-O-V-E. Stupid, indescribable, irresponsible, ridiculous, wonderful, not so perfect, but sweet love.
I never thought about it that way.... She was my addiction hut I wasn't hers. How could I have ever expected her to change if I couldn't. For years I fought up hill. Never knowing. Being lied to. Pulled behind with small words that mean everything at the moment but really meant nothing if I hadn't been blinded.
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