Monday, January 18, 2010

H0lD M3 D0wN

So, my mind is racing. Now that I no longer have a radio in my car (because Jeffrey has long legs, but insists on putting them in the dash board, and his knees knocked everything out of whack) I tend to have a lot of time for thinking. And with that comes a lot of emotion.
First, Im pissed. Pissed that I cant have ONE special even without someone ruining it. By not showing, or showing up late, or showing up high, or drunk, or loud... or whatever. Point is... its awful. And the person that did it this time... well its the person who has wanted me to end things with Jeffrey since day one because of his drug habit. It was the most hypocritical thing I have ever witnessed. If I recall correctly there were many nights when you left your children alone. Many nights when you took them with you to get high. Lied about where you were and what you were doing at 12:00 am when your daughter called crying because she is home alone at age 12 and she is hearing funny noises. Yelled, and fought, and beat your kids... but what he does is worse. And you never did all that... or its justifiable anyways. You make me sick.
Second, Im hurt. I had a big weekend planned and the one person I needed there, to share it with and also, there support... left me for bigger and better things..... Hunting. If he only knew what it would have meant to me... that for just ONCE he would choose me first. But he doesn't. And I dont think he ever will.
Im just sick. Sick of feeling the way I do about life. I had an epiphany the other night and it felt good. I know all I need is me and my son. And I know it will be hard... but I dont HAVE to have anybody there with me. I can catch myself when I fall... and if I cant... God can. I want so much more out of life then what Ive ended up with right now.... and I plan on getting it. I dont want white picket fences or anything like that... I just want: A good relationship with God, a caring husband, a job I cant wait to go to in the mornings, my son to be happy, and to be in the country.
I can do it for myself, I know I can.
Dont get me wrong, I am still mad for the man I fell in love with. But I fear he isnt mad like I am. That maybe, he just loves me, and doesn't really crave me. I want someone with the same fire in there hearts for me as I have for them. I will always have a passion for him... but I havent seen him get a passion for me since he got home from Vegas.
So what do I do? Do I keep fighting and beg him to be something he may or may not want to be... or move on to find someone who is all I am looking for with out begging? Is my love for him worth the fight? Or am I the only one fighting?
I dont know. But I know Im tired of this life. So I gotta change it.

On a brighter note... Dustins party was a hit... Mickey Mouse Club House themed. He had a blast, and the people that came were absolutely amazing. I love them all.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Some day it will happen.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Beyond taking care of Dustin, and reading my new book, that's all I have time for. Nothing really special or unique. Just things. Maybe unimportant to most, but strangely the most important to me.
I may be dumb for loving him. I think I am smart for knowing love. Really knowing it. Not just thinking, or wondering, or guessing. Not just knowing it... feeling it. How many people on this earth have really ever known love? There is a fine line between lust and love... and that's why so many people seem to stumble in between them... like a drunk taking a sobriety test. You may try to convince everyone your sober, and hell, may believe it yourself at some point. But in the morning, you know you weren't. You like the feeling, but don't like the responsibility. Its a lot of work.
Ugh, anyways. I'm trapped. And its all thanks to him. He has an addiction that isn't me, and I have an addiction that happens to be him. So what do we do? Where do we go from here. I have a lot more to think about than him... but I cant. That's why he is my addiction. But I don't want to break this habit. Then again, if I never break him, how could I ever expect him to break his? It just doesn't make sense. I don't suppose it ever will. I never has before. I didn't know it was supposed to be this hard. I guess that's how you know though. How you really know.----You know? That your in love. Its one thing to kiss someone and feel tingly... or miss them... or see them and get butterflies. But it is another to have been to hell, to have seen the devil himself, and to still stand beside each other. Not because its routine, or your scared. Of course your scared. Your starring at the devil... no, its because you know you could never face anything ever again without this person beside you. To hold you, to have your back, and fight for you. Against all odds. A person you are willing to die for, even after you have faced the worst together. A person you are willing to forgive when you thought you never could.
Despite all he has done or all he will do. I still love him, and would still fight the devil for him. Whats wrong with me? Love. L-O-V-E. Stupid, indescribable, irresponsible, ridiculous, wonderful, not so perfect, but sweet love.