Monday, September 27, 2010

And Then There Were Two.

When I was young, my mother always told me there were two types of people in this world; The kind that get married and have families, and the kind that dont.... And I just needed to face the fact that we were the type that dont. She always told me to just play the field, and keep my options open, because in reality, no man was worth MORE time then you give yourself.

And for years I thought she was right. I was convinced that I was defective, and that no one could love me... because I could not possibly love them. I ran from commitment, and probably broke the hearts of some really amazing men.

That was all before him. The one that stole me. ALL of me. Made me fell like no one else. Made me believe in things I never felt possible. Gave me perfection in the form of imperfection. Made me think that fairytales didnt just happen to princesses in far off places... that I too could have my happily ever after. He made something I was terrified of, forever, seem so short. And for a while thats what it was. Happily. Ever. After.

I went to and seen places some could only dream of. He made me smile, sing in the shower, and dance around like a fool. I was no longer scared of commitment, and all my walls came tumbling around us. And none of it mattered anymore. As far as I was concerned... I could wake up every morning with bad news coming in... as long as he was beside me... holding me. Just... holding me.

But reality sinks in... and it IS what mom says.

I still dont know if its me... if Im defective... incapable of love... or if it just wasnt what God wanted. All I know, is I wake up alone. My prince rode off in the sunset... and I fell off the horse. No strength left to climb back up for one last ride. I sleep alone, I cry alone, I sing to the radio in the car... alone. Why? Because I couldnt let myself miss out. I HAD to see if it was possible. ...You know.... that love buisness. Could it really work? Was there really such thing. And Im here to tell you... there is. Oh there is. But its never the same for any person. One could love one and not have a mutual feeling. Both could love. Both could love, but one could love something or someone else more. Its all different. But non the less... still the same. It come in without warning, knocks you off your feet... tells you its ok, and you want to believe it... but NEVER know if you can. So you stay down, waiting. For anything really. Some sign. And then it comes. Good for some. Horrid for others. There is no in between.

Im not going to make this long. But Ill leave you with this. If I never follow the advice of my mother... Ill follow this... No matter how much you miss them................ never let them know.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I cant tell you what it really is.

Hello World! Im back! After months of being an outcast of my own thoughts, and the black sheep of my dreams, I have figured out reality isnt half bad. I am still not the most wonderful person to be around, by any means, but I am trying a new way of dealing with things.

You wouldnt believe the hell I have been through, but I really dont want to get into that right now. I just want to think happy thoughts, if there is such a thing.

I am back at the O'C! Wonderful tra-la-la days there, I tell you. People thinking of you as there slave instead of your server.... constant running, being burned by the bread oven, arguing with the cooks, and ONE dumb employee who will remain nameless at this time. AHHH wonderful.

I FINALLY got my car cleaned out today though. Its truley unreal, considering I had been trying to get it done since Monday... and it HAD to rain today. But, its done, none the less.

I have also come to the conclusion that the people Im living with are Angels. No.... I dont think you understand. Like... GODS ANGELS. They have taken me and my son in with no complaint and no question. They genuinly care about our well being, and want the best for us. I didnt know people like that still existed. I was SURE they were extinct. Dustin is in love with them too. He gets up every morning and says "Moornin" to MaMaw, waits till Renee gets home and hits her.... in a loving way mind you.... and sits with Phil everynight and watches T.V. with him. Its so adorable.

I finally got a camcorder. Its not the best, but it will do for now. I have already made a video, but I dont have a DVD R so I cant record it right now. Im in the process though.

So anyways. This was just a check up.. I still have a lot on my mind. But thats for another day. When the words will easily flow through me and onto the keyboard. Gnight for now my dears.